During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a
typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from
wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down Several rocky hills, stood in a patch of
poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took
four "leaks" behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
The boss phoned me today, and said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped,
but everything is under control."
"Great! Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little ... I'm in the foursome behind you."
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply
about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his
eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron
in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my
wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron.
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How
many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,
except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the
weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to
see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped
their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all
how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived
all them motherfuckers" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Weekly humor archive
"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE ...
LONG SILENCE ...
VERY LONG SILENCE ...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
This is a great example of dedication and focus
Special thanks to Dave Roberts for his
recent “Weekly Humor” submissions.
GOLFER AT THE DENTIST ......This one may bring a little mist to
your eyes... only a golfer would understand.
Norman and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Norman said to
the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about
the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00
AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30
already........... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything
to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,
and show him........"
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The
young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my
church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
A Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a
bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and
puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down
for a five."
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her
husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying
here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor
on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to
let him play through."
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done
with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to
hear the reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the
Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on
the
Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling
with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me
money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to
the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a
beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one
beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty
good to each other.
Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50
steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while
pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying
......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every
way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I
know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran
to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."
Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it… This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a
gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young
one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They
are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa
says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that
tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course,"
added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3
feet tall.
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to
play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a
few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook
the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket,
and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is
taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway
about 280 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a
Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."
